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Kiss Me in the Dark [Monday
April 14th, 2008]
[ mood | aggravated ]


The more I get to know people the more I seem to really not understand them, and I guess it’s because we’re all so different in so many ways. But, I always try to understand where people are coming from..yet sometimes it’s so hard & it frustrates me becuz I don’t see where they’re coming from at all. One of the things I don’t understand is how someone can jump from one person to the next..and actually show with each person love, compassion & spend soo much time & memories with these people & then one day seemingly out of the blue they don’t want anything to do with you & move on to the next person that they already had lined up. Then leave you standing there wondering what the hell you did or what the hell went wrong in the whole situation..then you ask them to explain what happened or how their feelings changed..and they can never give you a straight answer. It’s like really? I just wanna know..it may hurt me but I’d honestly rather hear the truth so maybe I can work on that & be better in the next relationship..then sometimes they give you reasons that are completely uncontrollable..like age difference..or working together..& it’s just like really? I can’t control that! Give me a reason that I can actually control! Sometimes though, when you really think about it, you don’t want a reason at all you just want them to realize what they’re missing & come back to you & everything be okay..but once you’ve lost trust in someone or they’ve hurt you so much, if they were to come back nothing would ever be the same..because you’d never be able to trust them again or things would just be awkward in certain situations & you’d feel like you’d have to watch what you said & did the whole time. You probably could never truly be yourself again..but I honestly think that if you can communicate with each other & be mature & listen to one another then you can make things work out..& you could possibly grow into something much more stronger than you ever were before. There’s so many things that I’ve been thinking about lately it would take me a year to write them all out..but I’ve grown so much as a person in the past 8 months & gotten so much calmer about everything..even though for awhile I was somewhat an emotional wreck..I honestly love who I’ve become, & I think the next person to get my heart is gonna be lucky! I just hope they see that too...

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March 28th, 2007]
[ mood | cranky ]

ohh mann..boys are seriously horrible..i should go lesbian or something because guys right now suck. well mainly just one and he always has but yet he always has a special place in my heart the more i get to know about different guys though i come to realize they are all just trouble as well. so yeah jeff came home for 2 weeks on leave from the navy and it was probably the best 2 weeks i've ever spent with him (well the first time i've ever actually spent a full 2 weeks with him minus a like 2 of the days) we had a lot of fun i spent almost every night over there and we watched movies, played yahtzee and frackel, went bowling, laughed..all that good stuff. we only got into a few spats, nothing big. well the day he goes back to california i learn from one of his ex's that they hung out friday night (which happened to be one of the nights i wasnt with him and when his parents couldnt get ahold of him and they were calling me trying to figure out where he was) well this ex is his "psycho ex" as he calls her and swears up and down that they dont talk anymore that he's even thought about putting a restraining order against her. when i confront him about this he is stunned that i would even believe what she says since she's "psycho" but i dont know. i think he's just saying this becuz thats what he wants me to believe. he's talked about marriage and how he wants to move me out to california..but i just dont see doing that when i cant trust him! we've had so many problems in the past, he's put me through so much heartache..i just dont see me putting my heart on the line like that. so yeah guys suck and i wish they would just go away. i dont know what to do and i prolly never will. i dont think i will ever understand him. i just need to get away from him, its the only way i'll get over him and actually have a chance at being happy. so yeah that was my rant for the night...love you guys

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let me cry [Sunday
January 21st, 2007]
[ mood | sad ]

Well, last night was a very hard night. I got off work at 10:30pm and I was on my way to Shane's apartment when my parents called me and told me they were about to head up to the hospital because my grandpa was doing worse. So I said I would turn around and go up there. When we got there we learned that his lungs were filling up with fluid, rather quickly and the doctors said that once they were completely full pneumonia would set it and his heart would stop..they didn't think he would make it through the night. It was really hard to see him laying there like that, although I knew he wasn't in any pain. He had been in a coma for the past 2 days..the last stage of his brain cancer. The doctors told us that the brain cancer would make him start sleeping a lot and then he would finally go into a coma and could stay in the coma for a few weeks but how fast he was dwindling down they didn't think he would make it through the weekend and since his lungs were filling up pretty quickly last night they didn't think he'd make it through the night. I cried a lot last night and couldn't sleep at all, right before I was going to go home I went to see him one more time and when I got to the doorway my dad, aunt & grandma were in there and they were all hugging each other and crying..he had passed away, at 7:52 this morning. He went peacefully, now he is watching over us in heaven. I slept most of the day and I just wrote this poem that I would like to share with you guys:

With All My Heart
Can't sleep at all tonight
I wonder why my eyes put up a fight
Can't stop the thoughts in my head
Oh, the words I wish I could've said
But I did nothing as you lay there
"I Love You" was all I could share
As I saw you moving but not saying a word
You're snore is all I heard
That sound will haunt me forever
To forget it, will be never.
How I wish you could talk
Just say "Hey kid" once more
Why does it have to be a war?
A fight, to say what you're thinking
Instead, you lie there blinking
The cancer has taken over, it wins
The struggle to understand begins.
Why did you have to be taken from us so soon?
It doesn't feel right, it's just not fair
Doesn't God know how much we care?
We weren't ready for this to occur
The past few months feel like a blur.
It came so fast it seems unreal
Death, my Papa, it steals
But never from my heart
There he will live and never part.
I realize now that God does know,
Papa is waiting for us up in heaven and watching us grow.

Rest in Peace my dear Papa
Hubert Reed
11/27/1931 - 01/20/2007

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yay pics.. [Friday
January 12th, 2007]
[ mood | creative ]

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January 11th, 2007]
[ mood | contemplative ]

well a lots been happening lately, so i'm going to just kinda summarize it all to keep it short. because if i start explaining everything then it will take me a year to write it all down. well me and shane are finally together! after about 5 years of him wanting to be with me and me not feeling the same way i finally feel more than friendship for him. it was mainly because he got a girlfriend and i realized how much he really means to me and how i really dont wanna be with anyone else. i'm finally over jeff and its funny because he keeps calling me and leaving me messages how we should get back together and before me and shane got together he was telling me how he wants me to move to california and marry him! what the hell?! he's in the navy so i'm sure he's just lonely, its just rediculous..for 3 years he hasnt wanted to get back together and i've been the one pining for him this whole time waiting for him to realize what he has and then all of a sudden when he's 4000 miles away he decides he wants the be with me! like im going to drop everything just for him, get real. i am finally over him and i am so happy about that. 
well my grandpa is doing really bad right now, ever since thanksgiving he's been getting worse. he had a brain tumor and they did surgery on him and removed it and he started chemo about a week later but he kept getting worse so they did another cat scan and realized that the cancer was coming back and that it was too far gone when they did the first surgery. but they told us the good thing is is that he isnt in any pain, this type of cancer that starts out in the brain isnt painful and isnt long and drawn out like most cancers, they give him about 3-6 months and said that he'll start sleeping a lot, the cancer makes him tired and then eventually he'll die in his sleep. sounds like probably the best way to go. right now he's in the hospital and they're about to move him to like a nursing home, but better than a nursing home i forget what they call it, right by where my gma lives so she can go see him easily, because she cant take care of him on her own. he cant do much with his left side and he cant walk very well and she cant hold him up. its all sad but in a way im glad that he's not going to suffer. anyways i dont have much else to say for now, talk to u guys later. <3

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snow days [Monday
December 4th, 2006]
[ mood | contemplative ]

well not a whole lot has been going on here..last wednesday night a snowstorm came in and classes were cancelled on thursday..i even saw that OU was cancelled and i heard that was the first time in 14 years that OU had been shut down because of bad weather. and i also heard that we havent had this bad of a snowstorm since 1987! it sure was pretty to look at..but no fun to drive on. especially since my car is rear-wheel drive and my tires are a little worn down. i of course called in on thursday to work, there was no way i was getting out of my neighborhood much less newcastle, the roads were horrible. i talked to the front end manager and she seemed kinda bitchy about it but understood. well on friday i was gonna attempt to go to work, and as i was driving up to our first stop sign, its on a hill & i was pretty much completely stopped but it just kept sliding so i tried turning to keep it on the road, well it didnt turn at all it just kept sliding forward. well i ended up in the neighbors yard lol..and i couldnt move forward or backward because of the snow and ice. my tires were just spinning. the guy came out of his house to check if i was alright, he said he was gonna try to pull me out w/ his truck, well that didnt work, his tires ended up just spinning too. so i called my mom and she said to walk home and call in, well i stayed in my car a lil bit and called in & i talked to the same lady i talked to the night before, i said Hi this is Ashley in apparel and she said "dont even try it girl" and i said well i was on my way to work and my car is stuck in a ditch right now and she said "well get here as soon as you can" that really pissed me off but i called my mom back & she said to stay there and she'd come and get me & take me to work. well when i got there my actual boss thats over me Lizette said to me "i thought you called in?" lol i shouldnt have even went! there were pretty much no customers all day, it was retarded. after work my dad came and got me & we went to red lobster, it was really good! i havent really done ne thing this weekend, saturday night i went out to tuttle and hung out w/ tim, steven & kim..it was a lotta fun but ne ways i better get goin..

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turkey day [Friday
November 24th, 2006]
[ mood | amused ]

well my thanksgiving was pretty good, but at the same time not. i went over to my aunts house for turkey day & right when i got there when my gma saw me she started crying which made me start crying..its because my gpa is in the hospital & he has a brain tumor so everytime she sees someone she hasnt seen in awhile or starts tellin a story about him she starts crying..which always makes me wanna cry because i cant stand to see her cry. well the dinner was awesome & everyone was having a good time telling stories and laughing. well then after dinner we waited for a couple of hours then we went up to the hospital (because the ICU has weird visiting hours and we hadda wait til we could get in). when we got up there we hadda wait a couple minutes for them to open it up to us then me & my cousin nathan went in to see him. he just didnt seem like normal papa, which may have been because of the drugs & also because of the tumor..he remembered us but he'd do things then do them again & he'd ask us stuff then a little later ask it again..which isnt like him at all he usually has a great memory & also his voice was really soft and he brought it up how he didnt like how his voice was it wasnt normal. i felt really sorry for him because he had a tv but said the noise got to him & he couldnt read (which is his favorite thing to do) because it made him feel woosy...so all he was doing was laying there it made me sad. we left around 6 then we went home. today was his surgery & my parents told me that it was a success and that he was asking about me when he woke up..im gonna go see him tomorrow. i would go today but i have to work at 5pm and the visiting hours ended at 2pm and wouldnt be open again until 4:30pm and i really wouldnt have enough time to see him at all but ne ways thats all i really have to say for now..please pray for my grandpa!! love you guys


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November 21st, 2006]
[ mood | sore ]

i need a life. seriously. i work & go to school waaayy too much, i feel like i hardly ever do anything else. although, i do get to see shane everyday lol so i guess thats a plus. on saturday night i went out clubbing with some friends for ashley's bday & i have to say it was the funnest thing i've done in awhile. made me kinda realize how boring my life's been lately..HAHA! we definitely need to go out clubbin at least once or twice a month..that would be awesome. this wednesday night im goin to the All American Rejects concert w/ ashley & some other girls =) we're gonna have a blast! i cant wait..also, i cant wait til thanksgiving! hehe i'm ready to eat everything in sight!! LMAO. okay well im gonna go to bed now i'm verrrry sleepy. maybe its because its 4:30 in the freakin morning!!!


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strep throat ruins your social life [Monday
November 13th, 2006]
[ mood | amused ]

well this past week hasn't really been all that great..i woke up tuesday morning with my throat feeling like it was on fire and i could barely swallow anything even my own saliva. so i didn't go to school and i called into work. i thought i'd get to feeling better by the next day but i decided if i didnt i would go to the doctor cuz something must be wrong if my throat's feeling that bad. well the next morning i was feeling just as bad so i went to the doctor & it turned out i had strep throat! eek. the doctor said my tonsils were swollen really bad thats why i could barely swallow and he got me on antibiotics and by the next day my throat was feeling a lot better but i was still pretty weak. i went to work on friday and only worked half a day because i almost passed out at lunch when i met my gma & she told me i needed to go home and not worry about goin back to work, she even called in for me! lol she's too sweet. friday night i went to slick willies and jared and sandy came out =D then afterwards we all went to waffle house and it was delicious! after that i went to shane's and didnt really do much, watched him & matt play video games haha..thats like all they do anymore. today i worked from 1:30-7:30pm and now i'm needing to study for a few tests that i have this week i dont wanna but i know i need to. so i better get going and do that, talk to u guys later


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halloween [Thursday
November 9th, 2006]
[ mood | sick ]

well halloween was a lot of fun this year, went over to shane's and we went to a party out in blanchard with some of his co-workers then we went back to his apartment in which by this point i was pretty drunk and i wasted a lot of film =) hope you enjoy

before we left

another view

when we got back, me and david being goofy

david's in a lot of pain

matt and david wrestling, or something i dont really remember

don't really know what we were looking at

david making a crazy face like always

yeah i dont know

another one of david's many faces

trying to be seductive..didnt turn out to well lol

doing hat tricks

look at them balls


take it off david! haha..yeah you should use this as ur default pic

yeah this took up most of the camera, everyone was taking pictures of their eyes and blinding themselves, i woulda posted all of them but that woulda just been repetitive and would have gotten old

david blinding himself some more

yep, they're both blind

last but not least david being goofy once more

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!!!

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halloween is close [Friday
October 27th, 2006]
[ mood | chipper ]

yayy it's getting so close to halloween! its one of my favorite holidays i'm gonna have a lotta fun this weekend! wohoo..i'm gonna be a cop for halloween i'll put some pictures up as soon as i can! everyone have a happy halloween!



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boys suckk. [Sunday
October 22nd, 2006]
[ mood | bitchy ]

hells yeah..i got a check for one week at bass pro shop for 28 hours & i got $168 bucks!! wohoo more than i ever made at the bowling alley in 2 weeks haha thats sad. this week i got scheduled for 38 hours so i can only imagine how nice of a check that will be! it'll be lovely yeah so i love how guys love to lie to me..its wonderful..well really only one guy knows how to lie to me over & over & keep me hanging on at the same time. but i think i've gotten to the point where i won't fall for it anymore. i always say this & go back to him once i get over it, but this time he's in the navy & all so its harder for me to just say whatever i don't care & go back, he's in freakin california so there's not that much of a chance i'll run into him anywhere or that he's just a few miles away..he's half way across the country! so yeah i'm pretty sure im over that, tired of playing games with him & guessing games to know when he's telling the truth & when he's not. and there's so many hot guys at bass pro shop it would be easy to replace him ne ways i better get going i needa get some sleep before work tomorrow


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weekend update [Tuesday
October 17th, 2006]
[ mood | awake ]

well working at bass pro shop has been going good! i think its a lot of fun & its actually a very easy job! all i do is fold clothes & take clothes out of the back & put them up & straighten clothes & i get paid $7.25/hour to do this! seriously, a 4 year old could do this job! its great, the perfect job for me haha! no but seriously i love it. the long days kinda get to me but its not really bad at all cuz i get 2 breaks & an hour lunch when i work 8 hours. when i work 6 hours then i get a break & a 30 min lunch, so its pretty sweet! and plus i work with a bunch of hot guys! haha well not in my department but they are all around saturday night sucked because i had to work 9am-6pm at bass pro then i turned around and worked at the bowling alley for the last time until 1am!! it was freakin horrible & i was soo tired by the end of the night, i could barely walk! after i sat down in my car & drove home my muscles stiffened up & i seriously felt like i was gonna fall down & have to crawl haha they were in a lot of pain. but thankfully i wont have to do that again! now i'll get to go have fun at the bowling alley and not have to work there! wohoo jeff came home from the navy, only for a couple weeks & he has to go back..he called me the night before saying he would be coming home the next morning & after class the next day i went over and saw him it was great seeing him, it seems weird that it had really been 5 months since i had seen him. but anyways good times i better get going i need to go take a government test! yippee

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bass pro [Saturday
October 7th, 2006]
[ mood | busy ]

well i got the job at bass pro shop! i start training this week, tues wed & thurs night & i'm gonna be working in apparel & it starts out at $7.25/hour so thats pretty nice! a lot better than 6/hour! so i'm pretty excited about that. i'm just so sick of the bowling alley, everything about it lately has made me hate it more & more. now i hafta tell them tonight that i cant work next tuesday or thursday & either today or tomorrow i'm going to give them my 2 weeks notice. i need to tonight but i dunno if i can give them all that bad news at once! i just feel bad cuz everyone is quitting on them lately & they're all like family to me, i just hate the job lol. but ne ways i'm sure i'll figure out a way to do it. i better get goin the OU/Texas game is about to start! yay..boomer sooner!!


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day by day.. [Sunday
October 1st, 2006]
[ mood | contemplative ]

well things have been going better for me lately i guess. just taking things day by day & slowly getting over it. well, let me rephrase that because I dont know if I will ever get over it, I'm learning to live with it. It has definitely made me look at things differently, not take people for granted because you never know when they will never return. there's so many things i wish i coulda said to him and i know that even though i'm never going to get to tell him face to face he knows now. last monday i went to the bowling alley & i bowled on lane 16, & it felt like he was right there beside me bowling with me, laughing at me when i did something stupid & rooting me on when i made a strike or a spare. when all this first happened i didnt think i would ever be able to bowl on that lane or even if i would be able to bowl again without busting into tears. but something just made me feel like i needed to. i didnt feel alone at all, it made me feel peaceful. i've went & saw his grave about 10 times..at first there was all the flowers from the funeral circling his grave, now there's one thing of flowers & a rose and a firefighter thing around the stake. i cant wait until they put a headstone up, hopefully they'll make it look good. i'm sure they will. i need to bring something to put by his grave but i dunno what to put yet, something that will stay there, not just flowers. i saw on this one grave by his was an angel knelt praying & its really pretty i wanna get him something like that. but anyways, i'm slowly feeling better about things only because i know he is watching over me & with me all the time. i got a decal at the fair that i put on the back on my car, its a cross & above it it says In Loving Memory, then on the bottom it says Toby Williams. I like it a lot. Anyways I dont have anything else to say so I guess I should get going.

Ashy Dawn

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In Loving Memory.. [Wednesday
September 20th, 2006]
[ mood | drained ]

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

R.I.P. Toby Lee Williams 07/22/86 - 09/13/06

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R.I.P. Toby [Thursday
September 14th, 2006]
[ mood | crushed ]

Toby Williams was a very dear friend of mine and he died last night while working at the bowling alley. I heard he got a call that something was wrong with one of the pinsetters on one of the lanes and he went to fix it and somehow something hit his neck and it made him stop breathing. He died on the way to the hospital.  This has definitely hit me hard, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him ever since I heard the news. I was at Shane's when I heard the news and when I left I drove by Toby's apartment then I drove by the bowling alley to see if his truck was still there. It was. I stood outside of his truck talking on the phone with Joe, who was there when it happened, and I cried. Then I tried opening the door and it was unlocked so I sat down inside and let Joe go & just started bawling. Then a car pulled up behind me and I didn't recognize who it was. I got out of his truck & started walking towards it and I saw who was getting out, his mom. She walked over to me and we held each other & cried, for about 10 or 15 minutes. Then Joe came walking up and we all talked for awhile & then Dicki & Beau drove up and we all stood around talking for about 30 minutes. Then we all left and everyone was asking me if I could drive, and I said yes. I went home and couldn't stop thinking about it all night. It just seems so unreal, I just saw him a couple days ago & he seemed so full of life. No one deserves to die at such a young age. But, hopefully he is with God now and resting in peace. I will never forget the wonderful times we had together, how he helped me get through a lot of tough times, all the movies we went to, all the bowling we did together, the casino bowling, him coming over to my house and us just sitting on the couch watching tv and me going over to his, and riding in his truck. I will never forget you Toby Williams, I love you forever!

R.I.P. Toby 09/13/06
You are my guardian angel.

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9/11 [Sunday
September 10th, 2006]
[ mood | contemplative ]

well tomorrow is september 11th and right now my mom & me are watching this thing on cbs called 9/11..its really sad but its so interesting it keeps me hooked. it reminds me of the oklahoma bombing. so sad.

today i didnt do a whole lot just laid around until about 5:30 & got ready for my meeting that i had tonight at work at 6:30. last night i worked til about 1am..sucked but it wasnt too bad, i got $5.50 in tips hehe. tomorrow we're goin over to my gma's to have my aunts bday dinner. tuesday is carlos mencia! i cant wait its gonna be great but ne ways i better get goin, im gettin distracted by this show. love you guys!


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school [Wednesday
September 6th, 2006]
[ mood | calm ]

well this school year i'm doing things a little different than how i did them last year, which it prolly shoulda been the other way around since i went to OU last year & thats tougher than OCCC. but i've decided that if i'm paying all this money to go to college i really needa buckle down & study. last year i just got by on studying the least amount i could & hanging out w/ ashley pretty much every night & shane every once in awhile. well this year i'm not really hanging out w/ anyone on school nights. i just dont have time to study & hang out w/ people when i hafta get up early the next morning plus i'm usually so tired anyways i dont really want to. now i have to work on tuesdays and thursdays and plus saturdays still & i have late classes on wednesday so on those nights & monday nights cuz i have classes early on tuesday i just feel like doing my homework & going to bed, not much of anything else. i'm not meaning to hurt anyones feelings by this i just need to get my priorities in order. i dont want to get grades like i did last year (in pre-calc & chem) so this applies effort and sacrifice. but ne ways i better get goin, i'm gonna go take a little nap before work! love you guys..


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hectic [Wednesday
August 30th, 2006]
[ mood | anxious ]

yeah so these past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me, trying to get used to school again. and dealing with work & getting my car fixed. next tuesday is when i take it in to get it fixed, i'll probably be driving the escort around for awhile..yippee. haha it'll be alright they said it would take them about 3 days to get it fixed so its not too bad. i've been having to do a lotta homework lately too, mainly just reading, so its easy but boring. other than that i havent done too much, been too tired usually after school to wanna hang out with anyone. just hung out w/ shane a few days this week only for a lil while. i hafta work both this friday & saturday night, kinda sucks but hey its extra money that i need. carlos mencia is coming to OKC & i ordered tickets last night for me & shane, its gonna be awesome! i love carlos mencia he's freakin hilarious. i dont really like his show on comedy central but i love his standup so it should be pretty fun. anyways i better get goin, i have some accounting & astronomy homework to do. talk to you guys later!


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